Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Is it Kind, True and Necessary?

There's been much discussion of late about the rules of weight loss surgery. Sometimes it is difficult to decide just how compliant you should be when the rules seem to be constantly changing or being challenged by seasoned post-ops or even professionals. We are involved in a field still in it's infancy so research is in short supply and most often comes from the internet where you can find a dozen different answers to the same question. After spending nine years participating on forums and attending events I have had to make decisions on which information I consider valid. My first indication of the validity of what someone is offering is whether they are walking or working a successful journey. My first few years attending talks included a person I will not name that preached hard at us on how not to regain but each time I saw this person they had nearly doubled in size. I do not judge this person's regain but their information on how to prevent regain had to be questioned in my mind. It serves no good purpose for me to find fault in this person's regain or information...I merely moved on to someone that was walking the walk and talking the talk.

Online we have a large population of very vulnerable post-ops that may have spent much of their lives feeling "less than". Sometimes they are pulled like sheep into following others that have given them attention and when a mob mentality starts the followers often pile on too because it makes them feel like they are part of something bigger than themselves....much like gangs pull in young men and women because they provide them with a perceived family. So how do you decide if you are being a good sheep or a misled sheep? Perhaps you ask yourself if anything that is being said would be something you would allow someone to say to you. As I have talked and written about many times I have three rules before I post.

1. Is it kind?

2. Is it true? (really true, not something you heard, don't even believe a picture because I can fake the best of them)

3. Is it absolutely necessary?

Assuming can get you in trouble too. Just because I carry on a dialogue with someone on a forum or Face Book don't assume that I approve of this person's every word. Guilty by association is not fair. Judge me (if you must) by my written or spoken word. I would really prefer you not judge me at all and redirect your energy to a place that will be beneficial instead.

Sheep groups that push shame/blame/judgment/guilt will suck the life out of us and those emotions are not conducive to a successful journey. When you see the occasional bully mosh pit, step away from the drama. No matter the actions of the attacked we only lower our standards by wallowing in the mud and I will repeat for the dozenth time that I spent 30 years in the mud while being obese and I don't wish return.

Also know that we are rarely upset for the reason we think. I have these words recorded by someone but I'm not quite sure who it was but I will share this.

Rarely are we upset for the reason we think. Upon deeper examination, you will find that it is a recreation of an earlier pain, played out over and over in changing scenery with different people until you resolve it. It may be a reenactment of a childhood drama in which you were accused of things you didn’t do. Pain, anger, or resentment you feel almost always comes from a similar childhood experience. You recreate the pain so that you can move beyond it. Next time you feel angry at someone, stop. Close your eyes and go within. See that you have had similar experiences before. Realize that you are reliving some childhood decision and that now is an opportunity to end this pattern in your life and come from your deepest truth. Realize other people are only drawn to play out certain roles with you to help you evolve. Let go of any anger or blame you have towards them.

If this doesn't speak to you then just realize "pain is only triggered by another person when there is already pain within you".

Who's WLS rules are the best? The ones that work for you. If your journey is not going where you want it to go then I would suggest a change. You are like a radio that can receive many stations. What you receive depends on what you pay attention to. Also remember compassion is the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Do not make the other person wrong and as you grow it is important to develop wisdom, release pain and rise above negativity.

Hang with the winners.
Fly with the eagles.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Show others the respect you wish for yourself.
Be kind to each other...life is so very short...
Words hurt so think before you give them immortality on this thing we call the internet because once it's out there you can't take it back.
Love and light,


Gastric Bypass Barbie said...

Amen, sister. Amen. You are either my Bariatric Angel, or my Bariatric Big Sister (or my Angelic Bariatric Big Sister!) Truer -- and more timely -- words were never spoken. You ministered right to my heart with this message, as I was having a frustratingly ANGRY day with my "real job."

I hate being angry but just couldn't see clear to be optimistic today, no matter how many times I refocused or sidestepped.

Perhaps the answer is contained within your message? I must surround myself by good people -- which clearly is NOT the case at my current job.

Thank you, sweet Yvonne, for sharing a little piece of your wonderfully generous heart. I will tuck these words deep in my very soul :-*

Linda said...

I want to be HAPPY...and sometimes that means I'm wrong to other folks thinking. But's it very right for me.

Unknown said...

Wonderful! Thanks for the reminder about the origin of pain. It is so important to be in touch with the motivations for our actions and reactions. Love you gurly!

Anonymous said...

I love this post, but I always want to remember when people are posting lies or hurtful things, they are too acting from fear. I never want to judge those people but rather surround myself in light and send them love. Everyone needs love, unconditionally. thats what will help us all to heal.

I too find myself angry with others at times, and then realize, I must allow myself to experience that and feel the emotion then let it go. I try to remain in my heart and operate from a state of love.

Thank you once again Yvonne for a beautiful post.

Love and Light,

Teresa Dunn White

Unknown said...

Sage advise to people who are looking for a life worth living.

I always avoid drama and conflict and anger when ever possible. I do this by following this kind of advise.
Thanks for sharing.

tn.l4dy said...

If I were the type to stitch quotes on a pillow, the one you quoted would be at the top of the heap. It is so true. I've seen it in myself and have seen it some new ops who haven't yet shed the shoulder chip of obesity. Most lose the chip somewhere down the line after surgery but, some don't.

I carried a lot of anger with me. I was lucky in that I found a good therapist before I completely ruined my life. When I had WLS, I though I had it all taken care of but, off my food, some of the issues returned. Anger was one of them. Amazing what still lurks under the surface.

Back to therapy I went. Much easier this time. I wish everyone who always seems to have a dispute with others or who feel theirs in the only voice crying in the wilderness, seek some counseling.

Life is so sweet. Enjoy it.

Thank you, Bariatric Girl. Excellent blog. :o)